You know its bad when

There's this pain, throbbing pain and no my friends I will not be your average cheese ball and say it's in my chest, which would obviously refer to my broken heart. It's more of a pain in my side, I think maybe I've literally caused an internal hurting on myself just by being stressed. Hmph, ulcer I presume. I guess you could say I do have a heart related ache though. I have this thing where I talk to people for weeks, months and then something will happen and we'll fall apart. These are people I don't see everyday, so yes I do mean internet friends. Lately the pile of them (mind you it is small) seems to be irking me. I miss them and there's no going back now. I wish I could say I don't deserve this pain but I do. You know how you let go of people because they just strain your heart so severely, they're so troubled and really you don't want to let go but you know if you don't there's no escape later on. You're stuck being sucked into this unimaginable vortex, except this one isn't as cool as you've dreamt about. I know I make more heat about this than is due but I hold this back from everyone, sometimes even though nobody is really listening its nice to let it out. I guess if any of my friends decide to google me this will probably pop up and they'll finally get something about me. Even when I let you go, you're never gone. You're stuck there to haunt me for a very long time.

...

This is the first time I've thought of the future, I've never been driven to ever do anything with my life. Maybe fall into writing. I'm really not that great at it. I hate not knowing what lies ahead for me, I just want something secure. I don't want to be my sister, end up with a job at a gas station and not go to college. I'm completely scared to death of life, of how mine will be if I don't get my act together. What if I have no spectacular future? I suppose I'm a bit of a whiner, but I can't help it.

Numb

You know when you run your fingers along a playground fence

or when you clump a snowball in your hands, 

you feel numb, if only for a little while.

that desired feeling of invisibility, of no feeling; your escape.

then you feel the throbbing tingle and you're reminded that this is only for a moment

it is not eternal, you're still live, you still feel pain, 

and you will never truly be   n u m b

Cut

Have you ever curled yourself around a razor blade,

nipped your skin deep and watched the scarlet liquid run down your skin,

and you did so because you felt alive again instead of that lonely feeling the welled up inside of you?